U.S. Capitol Police and Secret Service have discovered trace amounts of feces, urine, and semen in Nanci Pelosi’s coffee machine after several rioters broke into her office have reported White House staff.
The discovery was made late the next morning after several rioters had broken into, vandalized, and stole various items from Nancy Pelosi’s office the previous day.
White House staff told reporters that the coffee machine had been entirely overlooked by Secret Service before Nancy Pelosi was allowed to safely reoccupy her office.
“Nancy literally told me her coffee tasted like shit this morning. I first thought she was just pissed at her office being sacked or PMS or something before I eventually figured out there was something wrong with the coffee machine,” White House staffer Alicia Rose admitted to the press.
“Now we know why Nancy Pelosi’s coffee tasted awful this morning” White House staffer Alicia Rose wrote with humor after publishing the selfie on Instagram.
U.S. Capitol Police are now investigating the matter and several individuals have already been apprehended according to officials.
“It’s one thing to break into the White House. To masturbate, urinate and defecate in the House speaker’s coffee carafe is another,” one U.S. Capitol Police officer told the press.
Several social media users took upon the internet to praise and salute the deviant act as patriotic, some even claiming the House Speaker had had a “taste of American democracy for a change”.
Nancy Pelosi and her staff will undergo testing for sexually transmitted diseases this week as precautionary measures White House officials said.