Cosmetic lab employee admits he ejaculated in tanks of face cream

A former security guard in a Detroit laboratory has confessed to ejaculating in the sanitized tanks used to produce hydrating face cream on more than 500 occasions over the last three years. 59-year old Larry Gordon was arrested this morning by officers of Detroit Police Department after he was caught on tape and confessed his actions to his employer. Mr. Gordon spent the last seven years … Read more

FBI seizes over 3,000 penises during raid at morgue employee’s home

FBI agents made an astonishing discovery this morning while executing a search warrant at the residence of a Houston mortician: 3,178 embalmed human penises. The Federal Bureau of Investigation suspected 54-year old Dave Murray, an employee of the Harris County Morgue, of being implicated in an organ trafficking network. Investigating several reports of missing organs … Read more

Drunk school principal defecates in front of students during pledge of allegiance

Springfield, OH | An intoxicated school principal at Franklin Middle School was arrested this morning after literally defecating in front of hundreds of students during the pledge of allegiance. Andrew Whitmore, 53, was visibly under the influence of alcohol when he decided to throw down his pants and defecate on the schoolyard in front of … Read more

Mall Santa arrested for making kids touch and lick his erect penis coated in sugar and painted like candy cane

An Arkansas mall Santa was arrested this week after allegedly enticing dozens of underage children to touch his genitals. Little Rock Police Officers responded to the vicinity of Park Plaza Mall for a report of an intoxicated man dressed in a Santa Claus outfit within the mall who was allegedly touching children in an inappropriate … Read more

Drunk Alabama man arrested for sexually assaulting church nativity scene donkey and ox figures

A heavily inebriated man was arrested last night by the Mobile Police Department (MPD) while engaging in sexual intercourse with animal figures of a Nativity scene outside the Trinity Methodist Church. 53-year old Boris Middleton was spotted last night by patrolling MPD officers while he was humping aggressively a fiberglass and resin donkey figure displayed in … Read more

Founder of a charity for men with micropenises accused of extorting and blackmailing at least 187 men

The founder and director of the nonprofit organization Micropenises Anonymous was arrested this morning in Los Angeles for blackmailing and extorting money from hundreds of men who had turned to his organization for help. 29-year old Jared Smith has been for years an important advocate for his cause: trying to raise public awareness about the … Read more